Friday, April 10, 2009

Having The Courage To Say What's Missing...

For a few weeks I've been mulling over some thoughts in my head. Thoughts that really just need to escape because they are all bound up and reeling. Do you know those thoughts? But writing them is hard to do. Sometimes words can be taken differently than conversation, misconstrued so they say.

I've been feeling really bummed out about my friendships. Now let me first say, I have a really great group of friends. Some I could call in the middle of the night (and have), some that are my personal therapists, my personal pediatricians, and a few that wear all those hats. I've known most of them for years, they take the good with the bad.

But something is missing.

At this phase in my life, I very much put my family on the top of my list. I feel that's how it should be. But a girl needs girlfriends. Like last month when I was in a funk so deep, I barely got out of bed for days, and none of my friends knew it. I wore pajamas to pick up my daughter, tucked into my jeans. I was in a bad place. None of them knew. Does that seem normal? But I did have a few blogging friends that knew exactly how I felt and emailed me to check in on me. Now, does that seem normal? You don't know how desperately I wanted someone to just drop by and shake me out of the funk.

But I just couldn't pick up the phone and say hi, it's 4pm, I'm in my pajamas you available. That's part of the problem.

Most of my friends live within a ten minute drive of my house, but I see them maybe once a month. Sometimes in a group setting sometimes not. Now that I think of it, I haven't seen most of them in longer than a month. Ten minutes away?

I guess my feeling is, if someone is a priority in your life, you make the time. You want to see them. I invite people over to hang out, enjoy a cup of tea, but then there is no follow through. I need to be penciled in advance. I crave something other than being penciled in or being lied to or avoided, maybe avoided is harsh, maybe forgotten is a better way to say it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "I'll call you" lately, but my phone doesn't ring.

Please let me be the first to say, I understand life gets in the way sometimes. But I crave to be the person that gets right there in the middle of it all, good and bad. If there was a time when I wasn't there when one of my friends needed me, I am sorry.

I'm working on being more open, but it's hard. I want to let go of feeling disappointed and hurt. I want to accept my friendships for what they are and not crave something it's not going to be. But it's hard when you feel like somethings missing. Sometimes I daydream how my life would be if some friends didn't move away or if some friends didn't leave this world too soon. I guess those daydreams are the bottom line, that I need a little something that I haven't quite found yet.

I need a friend that wants to drop by even though my house is a wreck most of the time, I want someone to get crafty with me, or fill up the kitchen with messes from baking. A sponteanous phone call for a trip to the park or a cup of tea. Someone who wants to meet me out to help get through the long days when J is out of town. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm fooling myself. But at least I finally had the courage to say it.

Life, always complicated, I wish things just got easier.

26 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Sorry...that deleted comment is from me. I was blogging for my sister this morning and I was still logged in as her.

    You pulled the words right out of my mouth Denise.

    Making friends and cultivating friendships since becoming a Mom and moving to Utah has been difficult. And I don't know why...

    If I didn't have my blog friends, I don't know what I would do. I wish I still lived in Denver....I know we would be great friends.

    HUGS!

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  3. Poor thing! I wish I lived closer! Actually, I can completely relate to your post!! 100%. It's really hard to make girlfriends when you're GROWN, y'know? And even harder when we're all mamas - since we're the glue that keeps all these families together. You're so special - I'm so glad you wrote this - it's a nice eye opener and reminder for all of us girls to reach out to our girlfriends.

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  4. I so feel this post. I don't have a lot of girlfriends that live close by (or even in my state) and it can be so isolating. But know if I were there, I would totally hang out with you.

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  5. Yup. Yup. Yup. That wasn't exactly what I meant by the depeche Mode song, but i have totally been there too.

    Hugs.

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  6. I completely empathize with what you are saying. I always think I'm bothering friends if I call, but hearing you say this makes me think good friends probably like hearing from each other. It's comforting. So, even though I am far away I will put you on my list of friends to call. If I was still living there, I'd be ready to have you over for tea anytime and talk. My listening ear is always here.

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  7. this is a very good and interesting post one that probably takes a lot more looking into on us females part

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  8. I had that friend and now I picked up and moved 3000 miles away. I feel you. Except I have no friends within 100 miles. Hugs. Hope you find her. Hope you feel better.

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  9. Seriously, we have all been there! Motherhood can very lonely and it can ben hard to reach out. I wish I was close to you! I'd for sure stop over (but I'd bring coffee ;) )
    Praying you find someone nearby that can be a strong part of your life--you deserve it!

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  10. This is the perfect post for me to read today. My closest friend here in Vegas is moving to Virginia. Her husband lost her job. I am trying to be supportive of her but I know I am going to be at a complete loss when she leaves. It is easy for moms to meet other moms because of the kids... however it is just as hard for moms to make friends because of the kids, hubbys etc. It takes that special person that understands when you can't remember the last time you washed your kids hair and they laugh with ya and not judge.

    Wish Vegas and Colorado were closer!

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  11. I do think it's hard to have friendships like that once you are older with kids. I think that's why I miss my single girl days so much. I loved just spending the day a good friend, doing nothing. Then I would have called it "boring" - now I consider it hedonism.

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  12. I think women are missing our community that is integral in our lives. This is something I think and talk about a lot with people. This is how I approach most relationships. I am the friend that will just stop by. I love the unexpected stop bys. Too bad we don't live a bit closer! It has taken me a while but I finally have 2 really good friends that I have this relationship with and a handful of others that the relationship is close to this. It's nice. So, seriously, let's plan a coffee date and hang out. You are so not alone. Bring the girls and come down to Denver.;-)

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  13. It is really hard. I find I am lonely often, but then, I like quiet time during the day, so I don't pick up the phone, which leaves me lonely again when it's time to fill the afternoon.

    I often feel like my happiness in this town rests on one wonderful friend...when she and her husband talk about leaving, I feel completely bereft.

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  14. It's so hard to ask for the help we need; I have stories from my past that just curl my hair now. I am so like this here. I have great friends, but most of them live a distance away. Few I could call when in such a funk, mainly because I think (wrongly) that I should just suck it up and deal.
    I know you and I have been playing spin the calendar looking for a time to get together. I'm a planner, let's set a date. Even if it's the two of us and our four cherubs. We gotta get together and just...hang.
    I'm here, girl.

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  15. I know how this feels. There's no spontaneity among my friends (few as they are), either. Everyone is busy, and I understand that, but I've been that girl in her pajamas. More times than I'd like to say. And felt like I just had to deal with it on my own and get on with it.

    My best friend lives in Georgia (I'm in Arizona), and I call her far more often than my local friends. She understands everything, and knows all my stories, so the shorthand is there.

    And now I'm going on and on...but I get this. Far too well. From the comments ahead of me, I can see that many of us do.

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  16. Great post - I just want to chime in from a non-mom perspective that I experience this, too. It frustrates me to no end that I seem to put in all the work to try and grow a friendship. I've finally decided that if those people don't want to make the effort, then I don't want to, either. I was actually talking this same thing with a newish friend of mine, and we just decided - we're going to be the kind of friend that can call anytime. Even if we don't have time to get together right then, we can make fun of American Idol over the phone together, or whatever.

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  17. I can so relate to this. As mothers we give so much of ourselves to our children that it does not leave a lot left over for others. I often feel lonely, especially when my husband is traveling. I used to have a friend who I would see at least two or three times a week, then it seemed all of a sudden she didn't have time for our friendship. It still stings.

    I have so many friends close by that I hardly ever see. We always talk about making a better effort, yet we never do.

    Thanks for writing this! You are not alone.

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  18. I felt that way for a long time especially went I went thru my divorce.. I was very alone and isolated. Girl time is so important and you need to carve out the time. You can come play with us girls anytime!! We are fun (I wasn't for a very long time - But I am finally fun again!)

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  19. I've felt that way too, sometimes I still do. Thank you for having the courage to write this. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. ::hugs::

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  20. Hi Denise, I'm new to reading your blog but this couldn't be a more appropriate post for me to stumble upon. I just went through a similar situation with a "friend". You can't help but think, as an adult, that you "shouldn't" feel hurt or neglected or disappointed or sad. Even worse, we feel that we shouldn't speak up. I took the risk, telling this friend that she hurt my feelings by constantly cancelling plans and not being there for me. You know what? She completely cut me out of her life. She could not look in the mirror I held up that showed a less than perfect reflection of the person she wanted to see. IMO, that says more about her than it says about me, and much like we'd tell our own daughters, in the long run I'm better off. I'm still sad, though I would never admit it to any of my other friends. I think there's something so courageous in speaking up, so know that you're not alone. There's a whole community of "strangers" feeling exactly what you feel. Drop by my blog any time you feel like you need to talk :)

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  21. I could have written this post.

    I entirely entirely can relate.

    Thanks for writing it for those of us who feel the same and cant find those words.

    Carla

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  22. just caught this post, I agree. I want a friend that it doesn't matter how busy your life is, you just want to hang out mess and all. i don't get the people that say I'm busy until mid may. Mid May?? are you telling me you don't have one single hour free until the middle of May?? Maybe we should hang, sounds like we both think the same way about how a friendship should work-course we live a bit more than 10 minutes away. Hope you are feeling better!

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  23. I totally know what you mean. My friendships have totally changed after having kids, and sometimes it bums me out.

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  24. WOW! Are you sure this post was from PMS? Because I know I'm not PMSing all the times I've felt this way.

    I have several friends that I've grown up with that we end up only talking 4 or 5 times a year and it breaks my heart.

    I thought all of my feelings of isolation came after having my last child which has cerebral palsy but looking back I think I just realized it more since I was stuck at home instead of able to go out to do things.

    This is a great post and wish I could show it to all my IRL friends so maybe they would 'see'. Like you said, it's a hard thing to talk about.

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  25. Oh ya girl I can totally relate to this post too! I've always wanted a close friend who lives right next door or a couple of doors down that we can just hang out in the morning having a cup of coffee, drop our kids off at each others houses in a pinch, and be there to support each other when the other is having a bad day. Maybe it will happen...one day.

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