For a few weeks I've been mulling over some thoughts in my head. Thoughts that really just need to escape because they are all bound up and reeling. Do you know those thoughts? But writing them is hard to do. Sometimes words can be taken differently than conversation, misconstrued so they say.
I've been feeling really bummed out about my friendships. Now let me first say, I have a really great group of friends. Some I could call in the middle of the night (and have), some that are my personal therapists, my personal pediatricians, and a few that wear all those hats. I've known most of them for years, they take the good with the bad.
But something is missing.
At this phase in my life, I very much put my family on the top of my list. I feel that's how it should be. But a girl needs girlfriends. Like last month when I was in a funk so deep, I barely got out of bed for days, and none of my friends knew it. I wore pajamas to pick up my daughter, tucked into my jeans. I was in a bad place. None of them knew. Does that seem normal? But I did have a few blogging friends that knew exactly how I felt and emailed me to check in on me. Now, does that seem normal? You don't know how desperately I wanted someone to just drop by and shake me out of the funk.
But I just couldn't pick up the phone and say hi, it's 4pm, I'm in my pajamas you available. That's part of the problem.
Most of my friends live within a ten minute drive of my house, but I see them maybe once a month. Sometimes in a group setting sometimes not. Now that I think of it, I haven't seen most of them in longer than a month. Ten minutes away?
I guess my feeling is, if someone is a priority in your life, you make the time. You want to see them. I invite people over to hang out, enjoy a cup of tea, but then there is no follow through. I need to be penciled in advance. I crave something other than being penciled in or being lied to or avoided, maybe avoided is harsh, maybe forgotten is a better way to say it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the "I'll call you" lately, but my phone doesn't ring.
Please let me be the first to say, I understand life gets in the way sometimes. But I crave to be the person that gets right there in the middle of it all, good and bad. If there was a time when I wasn't there when one of my friends needed me, I am sorry.
I'm working on being more open, but it's hard. I want to let go of feeling disappointed and hurt. I want to accept my friendships for what they are and not crave something it's not going to be. But it's hard when you feel like somethings missing. Sometimes I daydream how my life would be if some friends didn't move away or if some friends didn't leave this world too soon. I guess those daydreams are the bottom line, that I need a little something that I haven't quite found yet.
I need a friend that wants to drop by even though my house is a wreck most of the time, I want someone to get crafty with me, or fill up the kitchen with messes from baking. A sponteanous phone call for a trip to the park or a cup of tea. Someone who wants to meet me out to help get through the long days when J is out of town. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm fooling myself. But at least I finally had the courage to say it.
Life, always complicated, I wish things just got easier.