Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Who I Was And Who I Want To Be...

Oh my goodness, I've had a funny day. I recently was given a new computer, well it wasn't brand new but it was much newer, faster, and has triple the memory of my old computer. So to me it's new. My old system, which is still sitting right next to me was at that point where I was running out of hard drive space, even though I moved tons of files to a separate drive.

As a result of the new computer, I was able to transfer all of my photos and music back to one place. Yippee! That's a celebration in itself. While poking around transferring files, I came across some pictures I had scanned a while back. Well, I took one of those scanned photos and turned it into my new profile picture on Facebook.

Let the fun begin!

My oh my, what a response was elicited from this photo:

Yep, that's me, when I was young and very self conscious. I have about a hundred photos from that day, just a simple photo shoot in my cousin's backyard for a class she was taking. I received text messages, emails, and responses to the profile photo change. I had no idea a photo would bring back so many memories!

What was my motivation?

Honestly I changed my profile picture for two reasons. The first reason was I have so many old friends on Facebook that haven't seen me since the time the photo was taken, right after I graduated High School. That photo is what they remember. Secondly, I have another group of friends that see me everyday, but never knew me then before the wrinkles and the extra twenty pounds. It was a whim.

Most importantly, sometimes it's nice to remember. I remember that day so clearly in my mind. I remember that time in my life, when I had youth on my side, but I didn't have the confidence. I was uncomfortable in my skin. My 5'11" skin. Yes, back to the height again, but it's true. I can say I didn't feel beautiful then. I look at that picture and think, seriously? Where was my head.

Working out has brought out deep emotions in me. I now have the confidence inside, but I can't quite grasp the beauty that I see anymore. Lately, I rarely have a picture taken of me that I like. There's always a flaw glaring back at me, so I delete them. I stepped on the scale which was a mistake. I'm just taking the progress one day at a time. Hoping the changes I am working on will eventually make a difference.

When I remember, I want to know where I came from and embrace where I am going. The aging and wrinkles don't bother me one bit. I just want to have a happy glow about me, one that shows I'm committed to taking care of myself. Rumor has it being healthy isn't about being skinny (that would be another quote from my trainer who responded to my pity-party text message). Convincing myself otherwise is the hardest part.

Oh and just because I am all about being REAL, here I am today, the work in progress:

15 comments:

  1. This post struck a chord with me. Why is it that we as women always find flaws with ourselves no matter how far we have come in life? When I look at pictures of me in my teens and 20's, all I think is "damn! I looked GOOD!" And when I look at pics of me now, in my 30's, the only things I can think is to pick apart all the physical, outward parts of me that I loathe. Yet, if I really look, I would see wisdom and confidence and an inner beauty that definitely wasn't there in my teens and 20's.

    Great post!

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  2. I think you look the same in both pictures. I mean that in a good way. You are being far too critical of yourself.

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  3. I think a lot of what you say here will ring true with many people.
    Intellectually, I KNOW I am a different, better person now than when I was in my 20's, but oooh, I hate to see those furrowed brow lines when I look in the mirror!

    I think we are more beautiful the older we get...wrinkles and all.

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  4. Both pictures are beautiful! Having now met you in person....I can honestly say that you are stunning!

    I'm so proud of you for taking the time to do these things for you! You are inspirational!

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  5. Denise--I think everyone thinks the grass is always greener. I am very short and always dreamed of being tall like you.
    You look beautiful in both pics by the way :)

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  6. Lovely in both pictures! But the first one has the edge of great lighting and a professional eye (I mean, in addition to pre-wrinkle skin).

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  7. We are so hard on ourselves, aren't we? And we are constantly bombarded with images of what is considered beautiful. I think it's important to shut that out and focus on our own image of beauty. I love myself so much better than I did when I was a teenager. That's because I've learned to laugh at my flaws and try not to take them so seriously. I love my body for what it is, post baby and all. Because it's the only body I'll ever have and it gives me the gift of life everyday. So rather than criticizing it, I try to appreciate everything healthy about it. Realize your beauty too and embrace it :)

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  8. Beautiful in both.

    Although a little tilty in the second picture. :)

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  9. babe, you were gorgeous then, and you're gorgeous now. Keep on keepin' on! I agree with Kate -- the main diff. between those two photos is the photographer!

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  10. Honestly hon, you are gorgeous in both, and actually do not look as different as you would think in the 2009 rendition. But, I get it, am guilty of the same issues, and am seeking freedom in my own OCD relationship I had with my own body/aging process. I mean I work my arse out physically, and eat practically flawlessly, and still can't be the stick that I once was. So, with that said lets get some ice cream cones going and hang out at your new pool. Love, KS

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  11. I had no idea who you were in the Facebook photo; it was small and looked nothing like you. LOL! I see you now, in the larger version. And you know what I see? I see (now) a woman, not a girl. A woman who knows how to love more deeply than ever. A woman who has developed more patience than God. And a woman who has a zest for life.

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  12. You look great in both photos.

    I can't stand photos of myself right now. I'm trying to make small changes in my life toward being healthier. Work in progress indeed.

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  13. I have to agree with everyone - you look great in both pictures! But, I do understand regretting how awkward you felt when you were young. I look back at my high school and college pictures and think, for the love, how did I not find myself perfect then?? At the time, you don't see it.

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  14. Beautiful in both pics but you need to SMILE. :)

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  15. I love both pictures...I think you look beautiful in both. I think you should give us a current smiling picture of you though ;)

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I always appreciate the gesture to stop and take a moment to comment. Thank you!