Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Being Worthy, The Other Side of Loneliness, An Unfortunate Human Condition

Have you ever sat down in a dimly lit room, after the house becomes eerily quiet and realize that ideas you once believed simply no longer apply to your life? I once believed a shared history could make a friendship; a friendship entrenched in such deep ways that it would always be a part of my life. Many times over the years, I allowed myself to feel hurt and encumbered by people. People I led myself to believe were in my life with good intentions, coming from a place of wholeheartedness, and trueness, but the rays of goodness never could quite outshine an inescapable heaviness. Sometimes the heaviness is recognized rather quickly and other times it can take years to see the light. 

In an utmost moment of clarity, I found myself caught completely off guard. I was simply sitting in my favorite chair, my feet kicked up on the ottoman, I was enjoying a gentle sip of hot tea from the ceramic mug that was warming my hands, and the truth began to speak like whispers in my mind. I grappled with the notion that things weren't quite right. I contemplated the ways to let go the numerous times I have felt saddened by actions. I held onto a smile, a kind gesture, but realized the whispers were more than that. I often allowed myself to come back time and time again, only to recognize the actions were the same. The whispers were no longer as quiet and I found I didn't have the will to ignore them. The patterns led me to a place that is all too often hard to see when you're holding onto the hope that things may be different someday. I pushed away what my mind did not want to let go. Love doesn't feel this way, love is not intentionally making one hurt in an attempt to break free of them with out doing the work, of saying why and how we've arrived at this place of an unforgeable future. But often times what my mind believes is reasonable is not how life unfolds. 

Sometimes I find the courage to set myself free on a path that allows new opportunities to come into my life. I like the courage I feel. I recognize letting go isn't easy and precise, but a slipping away over time. I often remind myself to be kind within because when I am seeking kindness from others with out growing a good intention, there's often potholes in my path. 

I rarely feel sorry for myself, but recognize that loneliness is a human condition. A condition that isn't as scary as allowing room for misguided relationships to flourish. I did remind myself before I arrived at my very last sip of tea, that I will find the goodness I want to nurture me through my life and expecting it to present itself easily is all too storybook for me. 

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[on womanhood and friendships]


7 comments:

  1. Because of my "life transition" these last 18mos, life has made me pause and ponder. I found myself nodding along to this. Reflection is healthy. I bid you well wishes for the outcome you desire. :)

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    1. Thank you Lesley. I agree, it is good to step back.

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  2. It's good to find clarity, good to identify what's not working. Sometimes changing your expectations of a relationship works just as well as ending it. Or at least I've found that in the past, because forgiveness is important too.

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    1. Yes with certain people I think it's good to reevaluate your expectations. I've done that. There comes a point though when you lower your expectations again and again, I guess I needed to be free from that.

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  3. How poignant. Neil Young turned out to be a good backdrop for reading that, and writing this. (Tired Eyes, Dreamin' Man, The Painter) A lot of organic thoughts you put out there in their natural state without alteration. Can relate so directly in this way. The plain and simple stream of consciousness thoughts that come straight from the heart are actually the most profound. I often think that people are content in their supply of friends, and are unwilling to grant room for more, and that's a curious state to be in, to shut the door on more possibilities. What a ponderous set of sentiments you've woven here. It flows like a free-form poem. I sometimes hearken back to C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" to try to bring some of these kinds of impressions into perspective, even though there's not really anything to intellectualize, but just internalize. Thanks for this little shared detour.

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  4. I can completely relate to this. I gave up a friendship with my BEST friend from Junior High after Ms. E was born. The signs and feelings were always there, but I always went back to that history we had. And I must say, I still miss her to this day because she was like a sister to me and I told her everything. But, she was toxic and unhealthy for me. Since then, I have tried to surround myself with genunine people. It's hard when I am constantly moving around, but I try to look at it as I know so many wonderful people all over the world and because of each and every one of them I am a better person. There is always room for new people in our lives and even though I may only know them for a short moment, or may never see them again, I am always happy I made a connection.

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  5. I think I need to learn to lower my expectations. When I love, I love deeply, with my friends. And although I've had a core group of best friends since we were kids, of course, with one or two of them, I don't often talk to or see. And I put all my effort, usually, into keeping these friendships alive and well, that sometimes I'm left feeling lovely and sad.
    I feel this way about blogging, too. A good day in which a post gets a lot of comments, or when I'm interacting a lot of Twitter with people I adore, I feel good, on a high, happy. It's amazing how depressed a bad 'online' day can make me feel! I have so many groups of bloggers I like but don't feel like I'm like, a main part of any one group, so that can make me feel lonely, too. And I suffer from anxiety about life, and especially my kids, more now than every before, so more than ever I feel lonely, especially at night when the mind worries best in those endless hours.

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I always appreciate the gesture to stop and take a moment to comment. Thank you!