Friday, January 17, 2014

Struggling With Public Vs. Private Expression

Even though I have a surplus of thoughts and words that dance in my head, sometimes I struggle with which ones I should put out into the world. Many times I grapple with how to best craft words together to create harmony. But… the bottom line is, I don't feel like I can be completely open and honest here.  I always take into account the ramifications of being an open book when it comes to relationships, family, and many aspects of my life. On those occasions when I bravely have the courage to put words here that I may want to hide, it feels like the smallest most sunshine filled triumph. 

LeSigh. I'm torn, one way or another. 

It is truly the worst feeling when I have burning thoughts, but recognize the space I created can't house them. I've become completely dependent on writing to express my emotions, to dump the reeling thoughts out on paper. Luckily the journal I started this year fills the void. It's a safe place where I don't have to hide behind what others will think. I'm still learning how to accept that locking them away in a private notebook is a wonderful compromise. 

The upside is that my thoughts are released and validated, they have the potential to make it into this space someday. Honoring expression with a pen in hand, onto the lined pages of my Moleskine is more satisfying than keep them bottled up.