Honoring Presence In The Home

Sometimes when I truly pause in my space, my eyes fall upon the collection of dust on a hair clinging to the underside of the footed pot of a plant in my living room. Then my eye leads to the discarded parakeet seeds on the floor under the baseboard heating unit. I immediately find the vacuum and start to get in all the nooks and crannies I overlook on my weekly sweeping sessions. I use the attachments to freshen up my driftwood mirror that catches even the smallest of particles and within moment find myself laundering the living room curtains. I pull out the couch and move all of the furniture to clean. I empty the vacuum and realize my vacuum needs a deep vacuuming. Damn you, moments of heightened awareness.

My thoughts grapple with why though out the week I don't ever seem to notice the build up of bobby pins, candy cane wrappers, dust, birdseed, or loose change that feels so incredibly present when I am cleaning it up. I don't want to feel bad or guilty, but of course I do…

My New Year Reset

The one upside of having a birthday during the chaotic lead up to Christmas is the reset on my personal year starts a few weeks before the New Year. My introspection kicks into overdrive as soon as my birthday hits. In perfect harmony with reflecting inward, this year I received a deck of tarot cards on my birthday.  I've been studying various spreads and delving deeper into card meanings. I'm enjoying the insight and what I've been learning with my morning readings. I also can now laugh at my previous hesitations to embrace tarot over the years, I really had no reason to fear my own intuition. We live, we grow, we learn.

My yoga practice has turned into a consistent part of my daily routine, there's no questioning it. I feel little glimpses of growth in my daily practice, how my back bends deeper as I reach up and behind me in crescent moon, how my face nestles into my legs in a forward fold. I have even caught the brief moment of my toes rising above my head in locus…

My Father Will Always Be 79

I've been noticing senior citizens a lot lately; in line at the market, lifting weights at the rec center, picking up paint at Home Depot. I look in their eyes and observe their skin, their wrinkles, their hands. I watch if they shuffle their feet, indicative of a hip replacement. I see grandfathers with their grandkids in restaurants and more often than not, dads with their daughters that could be me. My mind always mentally takes a stab at their age, measuring every one against my dad.

Is he older or younger?

My father will always be 79.

Sixty Days Later...

Greetings from 60 days later. Insert expletive in-between the six and the zero and you'll be spot on with what my brain is thinking. I vacillate between wow this is incredible and why the hell did it take so long? I recently read it's hard to bring about lasting personal change without the feeling of despair. At the end of January, I truly felt the depths of despair, unsure of my ability to even believe I was capable of bringing about the sweeping change my life so desperately needed.

I just started one day at a time. Profound concept, huh? Before I knew it, I found myself in week two. Then I was earning the perfect month badge. Now i'm sixty days out from my defining moment.

There are so many parts of my story that are still unspoken, but it feels good to start with celebration.

confidence uncertainty determination stability endurance strength recovery grief

When Numbing Out With Food Stops Working

My father died in November. I proceeded to numb myself out with food all through the holidays. The abundance of holiday treats at gatherings, work, and in my home didn't make me feel like I was going out of my way to overindulge. It was a continuous nibble on whatever was in front of me, late morning through after dinner. I started adding sugar to my morning coffee because my father never drank coffee without sugar, I was honoring him. When I'd add two tablespoons up from one, it tasted even better. I'd snack on cereal and refill my bowl if milk was remaining. Yes rolled off my tongue when a server asked if we wanted a second bowl of chips when dining out. The unconscious eating stories are endless. After all, it was the holidays and my father died, so naturally I said yes a lot.

Food is comforting. It's okay, I have a lot going on. I shouldn't beat myself up, not now my father died. It's understandable. 
Then I started noticing my pants were snug, buttons popp…

When A Path Diverges

A year ago the path I was walking diverged. As I looked ahead, I saw the same pea gravel trail with some slight elevation gains, it continued on as far as my eyes could see. To the right there was another path; it snaked up the mountainside. There were small blooms alongside the rocky path, as my eyes tried to get a sense as to where the path lead, a storm cloud appeared at the summit.

I realized if I kept going straight, things would be fine. I probably wouldn't be sore tomorrow, it didn't even appear as if I would get rained on. It was just a matter of carrying on. Is that really what I wanted from my experience, just to carry on? For some reason I abruptly turned, I took the path up the mountain, the path that seemed unpredictable. I knew I would be sore tomorrow, but I would also feel the gains from the challenge. I did have my hiking boots on, I was ready for this. A mile up, I questioned what I was doing, did I really have the strength to take this path? I rested on a ro…

Observations From The Pool

Settling back in after our vacation to New York has meant lots of time poolside. A daily trip to the pool provides exercise, a dose of vitamin D, an opportunity to put down our devices, and lots of fabulous people watching. People watching is a such a gift in many ways. As with life in any small town, we've started to run into some familiar faces regularly at the pool. My favorite are the retired ladies that share a lap lane, floating along side by side, doing more chatting than swimming. After they've had enough of the water they retire to their lounge chairs in the shade and apply almond oil. They love good banter about the current political climate, sharing the latest photos of their grandchildren, naps in the sun, and a hardcover read checked out from the library. Their ease of conversation and joy together makes me long for those friendships that stand the test of time.

We can always count on a gaggle of teenage girls to arrive late afternoon and spread out in front of th…