Desperately Seeking A Bathing Suit Body, A Confessional

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I find myself doing a double take trying to fully experience what my body has evolved into over the past thirty some years. Don't get me wrong it's unmistakably me, with a few extra pounds and newly appearing wrinkles. Who knows what exactly a few extra pounds is quantified as, I am one of those silly women that don't own a scale, I just go by the way my jeans fit. Currently, those jeans are a bit tighter in the thighs then I care for. Honestly, I could probably stand to drop twenty pounds easily. And if you asked me last month (Operation Good Bye Muffin Top), I would have said I could stand to drop twenty five pounds. Oh and if we are just playing around with weight and numbers for kicks, I would drop thirty five pounds to have the dreamy stick figure I once rocked in my youth.

For years I've often wondered what I would look like, how my body would transform if I actually tried. And by tried, I mean worked out regularly. It's funny because regularly is the word that often kicks me in the ass because I am good at trying things, but staying with them, now that's the problem. That work out DVD I was recently all jazzed about, I used it regularly for a few weeks, but not faithfully. Now I kind of use it, when I'm in the mood. Dun, dun, dun, dun. I'm lame.

Now it's confession time...

I hands down, have used every silly I'm-in-denial excuse in the book to avoid swimsuits/swimming pools in the summertime (or heck anytime for that matter). Right now if I close my eyes, scrunch up my already wrinkled forehead and ponder the last time I was in a bathing suit, I'd be at a loss. I'm thinking it was in June of 2007 when we went on vacation to Steamboat, the Grand has an incredible pool. Yes and if you recall we were just there Easter Weekend, I forgot my suit, oops. Why? I hate bathing suits. Why? I have a very deep love hate relationship with my body. The same body that I am sure could look fabulously bathing suit ready, if I just worked out regularly.

You see, my jeans fit much better when I am not adding my girls' leftovers into my daily caloric intake. Or when i'm not baking up a storm in a pms fog, hello resist temptation. Butter just makes baking better. I've given serious thought to my chai habit with all those extra calories and now have a lower calorie alternative, just a chai tea bag made with water and no sweetener. It truly isn't the same as a frothy sweetened milky delightful beverage, but it definitely fills a craving. So why don't I just go on some trendy diet? It's not my style. I take pride in the food that I put into my body, we eat the majority of meals at home, it works for me. It's balance, when I am not active the balance is off.

Today is May 1st. But today is a new day for me. Today is the day I start a 30 Day Challenge to get into the gym and give my body a chance. I am a huge fan of the Biggest Loser (Tara in particular). I watch faithfully every week and my daughters are quite familiar with Jillian from the workout DVD, which I think is very sweet. I don't think a week has passed when I haven't teared up watching The Biggest Loser. I truly am inspired by how the contestants have transformed their bodies with hard work and dedication.

Most importantly, what I've taken away from Tara is that she has learned to believe in herself. I'm ready to believe that I can be strong, beautiful, and healthy. With building confidence I am sure comes breaking down all those barriers that I've created in my mind, that my body is not bathing suit worthy.

I'm saying right now, so I can start believing it. By June 1st, I want to be on a path of fitness with the ultimate goal of buying myself a new swimsuit, so I can hold my head up proud and take my girls swimming. Details will follow...

For insight into my previous attempts, check out my Attempting To Move posts.


  1. D, seriously you are beautiful. Getting into a routine is difficult. But once you set a goal or have an incentive, it gets you going. You're body actually starts to crave it. I work out regularly, but will never be able to wear a bikini again. I'm okay with that. I don't mind the bathing suits, it's the waxing that goes along with it! hahaha!

    Anyhow, what's worked for me is having days of workout (MWF), registering for races, and motivational, fun music in my ipod. I only listen to the music when I work out. I never listen to the songs outside of the gym, that way I enjoy it more.

    I hear you on the baking. I gained a few pounds from that. But, it's okay. After all we're only humans who love their delicious baked goods. :) I'll be cheering for you!

  2. That's great that you are undertaking this challenge while I am not a fan of Biggest Loser it seems to be touching people and inspiring so I guess more power to it. My body seems so scary and foreign now after having three kids reside in it. I too need to get into the gym. I f I wasn't such a germaphobe with the baby I would be there everyday! If you want to get together for some Saturday morning runs or even some "hikes" with the kiddos let me know Lord knows I need the exercise too. :)

  3. I absolutely think my daily chai habit is a problem in terms of calories in and calories out. Perhaps the gestational sugar problem is a blessing in disguise, but I doubt it will stop me one day past the birth of this baby!

  4. Bathing suit season makes me want to stick my head under my pillow and never, ever come out.

    My 20 year high school reunion is in July and it might just be the motivation I need to finally start working out. Thankfully, my husband is on a big eating healthy kick, so we support each other.

    Good luck!!

  5. I so need to lose is really creeping on me these days.
    Best of luck to start your new journey!

  6. So much to say about all of this!!! I could write an epic. Love that you are trying the gym, and if you need any support/motivation/bitch sessions I will be right there although I will probably be bitching about my own imperfections! Keri

  7. I am here cheering you on! I know no one needs a need social networking thing to keep up with these days, but I really like the motivation I receive from other athletes on dailymile - I can send you an invite if you would like one. I am a big fan of motivating myself by signing up for a race of some sort. I may never have that perfect beach body, but I have to be proud of myself when I complete a race (esp. when most people wouldn't even dream of running a mile).

  8. It's amazing what we see vs. what others see. I see you as a strong, confident, thin, gorgeous woman who is a fantastic example for her daughters. But I truly know what you're saying here. I'm at the highest weight non-pregnant that I've ever been. Thirty-five pounds would get me down to my college weight, but that would take 4x/week marching band again to get to. LOL! I have more excuses than a fifth grader with missing homework about why I don't exercise. My favorite right now is that the basement tv can't run DVDs, so I can't do exercise videos. And I'm not laying out cash for a new tv or gym membership. LOL! Oh, I have tons. ;) And I'm unfortunately not afraid of butter and have been sitting at this computer for the better part of the afternoon.
    Something has to change.
    I'll change with you. :)

  9. I LOVE that show. It is just so inspirational. Those people are all so amazing. It makes me tear up too.

    Good luck with your fitness goal! Keep us posted! :)

  10. I have felt pretty okay in my bathing suit for the past two summers - but this one...not looking good... I need to get serious about watching what I eat (and that doesn't mean watching the pint of ice cream disappear as I shovel spoonfuls into my mouth!) I guess it's time to start thinking about this since the pool opens in a few weeks...

  11. I love Tara too she is such an inspiration. Good luck with your venture.

  12. I'm going to follow your progress...maybe it will inspire me! Good luck!

  13. You can TOTALLY do this! My goal is to be able to buy a bikini top by June. I'm doing the 30 Day Shred of Jillian's. So far I'm absolutely loving it. Good luck! You've totally got this..and you are beautiful.

  14. I've met you IRL, and I thought you looked pretty good!

    I love that your approach is about being healthy, fit, strong, and confident!


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