Showing posts from 2018

My Father Will Always Be 79

I've been noticing senior citizens a lot lately; in line at the market, lifting weights at the rec center, picking up paint at Home Depot. I look in their eyes and observe their skin, their wrinkles, their hands. I watch if they shuffle their feet, indicative of a hip replacement. I see grandfathers with their grandkids in restaurants and more often than not, dads with their daughters that could be me. My mind always mentally takes a stab at their age, measuring every one against my dad.

Is he older or younger?

My father will always be 79.

Sixty Days Later...

Greetings from 60 days later. Insert expletive in-between the six and the zero and you'll be spot on with what my brain is thinking. I vacillate between wow this is incredible and why the hell did it take so long? I recently read it's hard to bring about lasting personal change without the feeling of despair. At the end of January, I truly felt the depths of despair, unsure of my ability to even believe I was capable of bringing about the sweeping change my life so desperately needed.

I just started one day at a time. Profound concept, huh? Before I knew it, I found myself in week two. Then I was earning the perfect month badge. Now i'm sixty days out from my defining moment.

There are so many parts of my story that are still unspoken, but it feels good to start with celebration.

confidence uncertainty determination stability endurance strength recovery grief

When Numbing Out With Food Stops Working

My father died in November. I proceeded to numb myself out with food all through the holidays. The abundance of holiday treats at gatherings, work, and in my home didn't make me feel like I was going out of my way to overindulge. It was a continuous nibble on whatever was in front of me, late morning through after dinner. I started adding sugar to my morning coffee because my father never drank coffee without sugar, I was honoring him. When I'd add two tablespoons up from one, it tasted even better. I'd snack on cereal and refill my bowl if milk was remaining. Yes rolled off my tongue when a server asked if we wanted a second bowl of chips when dining out. The unconscious eating stories are endless. After all, it was the holidays and my father died, so naturally I said yes a lot.

Food is comforting. It's okay, I have a lot going on. I shouldn't beat myself up, not now my father died. It's understandable. 
Then I started noticing my pants were snug, buttons popp…